I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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