I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
