Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
