you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
