i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
