Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
