the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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