I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
