I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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