were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
