dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Randomize
