It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
