why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
