OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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