Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
