quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He kissed a someone with a penis
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
