Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
