It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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