i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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