she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
