Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
