she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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