Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
