Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
