My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
