woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
