how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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