if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
