she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
