I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
