Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
