dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
