Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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