Cold hands, warm shart.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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