so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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