why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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