apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
