so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
