I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
