I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
