"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
