My hand turned me down
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
