I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
