I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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