my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
