I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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