I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
