here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
