Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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