We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
